Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
