my phone needs a breathalizer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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