Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
time to smoke my breakfast
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
