Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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