Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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