just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
