Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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