Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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