Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
