After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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