Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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