i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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