Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
