If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
