You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
