I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
