I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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