I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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