i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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