I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
