I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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