i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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