I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
