Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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