so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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