the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
