Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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