The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
