My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
