well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
