his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
