In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Drake has all the answers
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
