i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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