guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
