I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
