if you like me you must not know who I am
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
