You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
