Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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