I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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