Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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