it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
