Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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