I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
