he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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