my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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