On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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