I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
