New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
its liver damage thursday
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