I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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