I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
